Just another Story

Life awards you with very few moments where each part of your body wants to sit down and just breathe. Deep breaths just to soak in every second of that moment. I was living it all.

I had this terrible dream and fell from my bed whilst shouting without any reason, without overthinking much I went back to sleep. Must be a nightmare I thought until the next morning while working this phone call came through bearing a news. Everything started to echo around and I was stuck inside a continuous loop. Seconds became years as if the earth stood still.

A trembling voice uttered,

"Abir passed away beta"

My throat was clinching for space, I wanted to scream but nothing came out. With an absent mind, I replied-

"Mai ata hu maa turant, aap pareshan mat hona"

Nothing came back in reply except the painful sobbing. 

Abir was my brother, not just a friend or a best friend, but more than a blood brother. We shared the same room, bike, dreams, pain, and even the same trials of short and long-lived happiness. 

 As I found myself running back to chase the flashbacks, the responsibility of me being in front of his family bucked me up to move back into real life. 

I looked outside in disappointment as it was raining heavily, no flights till morning it showed. My next instinct was to book a train to Chennai, then continue with a flight to Guwahati regardless of the layovers. Before boarding for the last stop I called Ammi, as it was almost Fazr and she might be praying; Generally, I avoid sharing such news with Ammi but this was about Abir and I couldn't help myself. 

She picked up and ended the call as if the Fazr prayer is directly going to be a complaint in front of god asking, why him? She was speechless too. It all happened so fast. 

Amidst all of this, I sensed Abir laughing hysterically about my bad luck with girls and then him happily crying when I won an award for my book. Emotions ran different ways altogether. I was okay with the questions today but not ready for the ones that'll be asked by Abir's mother. 

 

Abir's hometown was a small village north of Dibrugarh, Assam. This was going to be my first-ever visit to his hometown. Thousands of promises between us and I never once saw his home except in the pictures.

With my eyes closed in a plane half filled, tears started boiling and a diminishing scene of lush green tea fields evaporated. My imagination of Abir's home and Assam as a place was beyond words. Tall green Nilgiris sheds made up of bamboo and ficus vegetation all around. Finally visiting my home but at a time when my friend will be either feet deep under the earth or divided into ashes.

I finally reached the border of Dibrugarh via bus, my heart was calm, found a 'Takeli Pitha' place to eat, and decided to walk from there. The cliche picture of Assam being Assam was right in front of me, with Tea beds all around on both sides of the highway. Abir would have loved to show me all of this, I whispered and smiled.

With 200 meters left for a turn, in the left corner of the road there was a flower shop. Made with Old Bamboo base, and shelves filled with pink roses, tulips, local orchids, and lilies. Lilies were Maa's favorite so had to buy some. The owner was not in the shop and as I hopped down the corner to look for someone, a girl came up climbing the path.

 Red dress with a bun on top she smiled at me to ask what would i like to have. Her beauty trembled my voice and made me stutter. With a small chat of her showing me around her orchids, I asked for a dozen lilies. 

" For Someone special," she asked jokingly

"It's my Maa's fav" I replied with a visible difference in enthusiasm.  She thought I was a traveler, my present situation didn't allow me to explain further and I walked away with the flowers.  

Someone from Abir's family came to pick me up down the road and there I was on the final few kilometers to face the unimaginable. 

Life is ugly-awful without someone who you can trust and love selflessly. our personal relationships makes us who we are and maybe that's why we have the fear of time. It's not time but the people, they matter and they fix us. 

Sadly, they don't live forever. This is why time is scary because one day you'll run out of it. Time is just a face, our greatest fear is loneliness. 

Some 8 years ago Abir said that I wiil be known for my writing one day. He believed in me when I didn't. How foolish of me to stand there, holding onto the belief that I could ever be the support, his mother needs as a son. Oh, I could never.  I hugged Maa tightly, her whole weight was on me and all I heard was her sobbing in agony. Abir was already buried, the rascal left without hugging me. 

Throughout the day, I found myself watching the remaining rituals, juggling work calls, and organizing arrangements for the guests. Despite my longing to step away and process my emotions, I felt compelled to stay and offer all sorts of assistance as a man, hiding my true feelings behind a mask of composure. So cliche of us men to be the way we are right? 

The following morning I head out with my camera, diary, and a pen eager to reobserve the scenic beauty of this city. My duty as an avid traveler won't be fulfilled otherwise, It was more than an obligation if not a choice.

Mistakenly I entered some private gardens and was ushered out quickly until someone saw me there sitting amidst all this greenery, taking pictures freely.

The inner sylvia plath of me said  - 'I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery, air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, "This is what it is to be happy

Suddenly, I noticed a beautiful face lurking behind me. I realized me getting kicked out again. I looked up and it was the same girl from the flower shop, this time in a sky-blue dress and free-running hair. 

"I charge money for such photos by the way," she said jokingly. 

After that, she welcomed me officially, signaled me to follow her, and showed me every part of her garden passionately. As we stood amidst the lush tea beds, I couldn't resist snapping numerous photos of her in the green bed. The aroma of the wilted leaves and damp earth added to the charm of the moment, making me wish that I could freeze time and capture this memory forever. 

I forgot to introduce myself I said, 

"My name is Rahman", and greeted her with a smile.

With the sun-kissed forehead and the mild wind playing with her hair, she answered with her eyes squinted

"Im Ruhi" 

"Will you show me more of your home, Ruhi?" I asked

"Fine, I'll be your guide in my free time" she added sarcastically. 

 It's too early to say that Abir is looking out for me but somehow she made me feel the same way. Ruhi mentioned how she dropped out of her tech degree to pursue arts and farming as her new gig. With obvious challenges on her way, her zest for living the true life won me over. 

She quoted an infamous line from ZNMD,

"Insaan ko dibbe mein sirf tab hona chahiye; jab woh mar chuka ho"

Crazy how you meet total strangers and they move you more and remind you of your life without saying much. Touche. Life awards you with very few moments where each part of your body wants to sit down and just breathe. Deep breaths just to soak in every second of that moment. I was living it all.

As Ruhi, went along with me, I felt ok with just being in her background. I could just hold her umbrella in the rain and watch her chatting nonstop and even doing nonsensical things. Ready to be her wallflower there I was. suddenly she grabbed my hand in excitement and pulled me out of that fantasy. 

"Don't just observe, be here all well, smile Rahman" she complained. A stranger was full of love, this is what freedom feels like, I convinced myself.

I clicked another photo

"Huh without permission,?" She frowned in surprise

"You look happy," I said by clicking some more.

" Did your mum like the lilies?" She wondered

I replied "Hope so"

She looked at me confused and further questioned me if I'm visiting distant relatives here, one thing lead to another and finally I disclosed to her why I'm here. Her eyes dilated a bit and the cheeky smile went away. My heart also questioned, why I'm not sad anymore. Is this how people just move on from things? Or this is just natural for me to be feeling so much. Abir would always advise me not to overthink and here I am writing a full novel. 

Our reflex of trying to fix things on the spot and the constant battle with peace is a real tragedy.

Ruhi got visibly distressed and slowly started to ask me about Abir, how he passed away and how was he like. Her eyes shined a bit more with each question, she genuinely cared and that was my picturesque moment of happiness. As fast-paced as it was, for me, everything moved slowly. I intended to ask for more favors but it seemed like a big stretch, the time spent with her was enough for me as a stranger but not enough as a traveler. 

While roaming around, I could hear the repetitive mentions of farm animals and bamboo recycling. She looked like a live portrait but I couldn't wait to observe her as the moment was too good to not soak in. 

No pause, no halts, I was floating.

She reminded me of the simple joys, the ones I was missing but not accepting. Abir would have liked her as well. There's something about free souls living in the moment, they make good characters in a hopeful romantic story. 

"Let's visit the rainforest while you are here and we'll go out for dinner tomorrow if your mum allows"

Her out-of-the-pocket favors were surprising me and now this, I smiled in agreement to accept the offer. Next, I found myself walking back to the house with a reel full of photos and feelings I could never pen down. The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings, words could never do justice to what your heart sings out loud. It's just ones and zeros. 

My convention was in two days, I had to get back home visit Ammi and then finally to Bangalore. Life ordered me to stay put, it was not important but I wanted to move on. Back at Abir's, I briefly mentioned the tea beds and Ruhi as the flower girl which made Maa smile. It's typical of us as humans to bottle up and not fizz down, for men it's a responsibility and in the case of women, an obligatory curse. Somehow I managed my responsibilities but maybe they were my curse all along. 

The next morning, I woke up late to find Ruhi walking with Maa in the garden. Although it was unexpected to see her around, but surely something you would expect from her. Maa complained about me being late and they both shared a laugh in the meantime. Right then and there I was alive, without any regrets my lazy ass got ready and we left the home for the rainforest. Nature is underrated but what I saw there was beyond expression, the smell of earth with fresh leaves was everywhere. Unintentionally I kept zoning out, my mind was completely soaked in to question the reason why I was with this person here.

Is this what people call destiny? 

"Oye, where are you? " She questioned and shook the daydreaming out of me. 

I could sense her heart beating for me. Everything her eyes saw I was living through her.

We left the forest a bit early to explore the local scene. Later I found myself enjoying Doi Chira and sesame chicken curry, it was amazingly flavourful and Ruhi's fav place. I clicked some photos for my travelogue and we both kept on walking down the road. 

Many years ago I pledged to visit Assam, but now surrounded with unexpectations here I am praising this serendipity. 

"Im leaving tomorrow at noon", I confessed

In a state of dilemma, she frowned and later smiled by saying

"Well you must, it's about time"

As happy as she seemed for the rest of the night, the thin shell of her masking emotions slowly peeled off. 

"I want you to visit me again, Rahman" she said in authority.

As a reflex I couldn't help but hug her tightly, Ruhi accepted me wholeheartedly and kissed my left cheek.  Surely I was there but no longer as myself, every part of me wanted to be with her forever. She smelled like the flowers of her shop, and her head resting on my chest felt as if a cotton bud. 

I was home far away from home. Maybe I was far from being in love or already there but I was just happy.

With a promise to return, I said my goodbyes.

As I was leaving she shouted, 

"Goodbyes are for closures, just say see ya soon". We both smiled but it was not audible anymore, like the way life is we both moved on but now with hope and promises to fulfill. I found my reason to come back, Abir would be happy too. 

~Maybe it's not about a happy ending, maybe it's just the story that